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Saturday, May 5th, 2001
5:54 pm


**victory sign** Two percent higher than last time! **bounces off to take the Slut Test again**

current mood: bitchy- surprise!

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Sunday, April 29th, 2001
7:25 am - I'm stealing five minutes of my own time...
...to write this. My stomach's still bothering me a little. And I have to perform at all three church services today. Which means I have to sit through and listen to all three. Feh. Then I'll come home for one hour, long enough to change clothes and /hopefully/ finish that thingy I started. Then it's back into the car to Andrew's six-hour party. Hoo-boy. What a day....ja!

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Saturday, April 28th, 2001
10:44 pm - Note to self:
Self, remember this. You will finish it in the hour you're home.

"And now you're left
with the voices in your head,
and now you wonder
if you're better off dead."

current mood: determined

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4:23 pm
and it's so sad
when you don't want to see me anymore
and it's just too bad
when I won't say hello anymore
and it makes me mad
when you won't tell me anymore
and it's all a fad
when I say I can't breathe anymore
--------
this lovely rambling was cut off by my annoying little spaz of a sister. gomen nasai.

current mood: annoyed

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3:53 pm - The things that are wrong with me...
I found yet another disorder quiz thing-y, this time I got the link from Totchi. If you want to know what's wrong with you, check this out. Warning: it's looong. Not for those with little tolerance/patience. I took the quiz twice. Here's what I came up with:

DISORDERS DIAGNOSED:
* Major Depressive Disorder
* Avoidant Personality Disorder

PROVISIONAL DIAGNOSIS:

Major Depressive Disorder:

In the past month, this disorder was unchanged with:

* No occupational impairment
* Mild social impairment

This diagnosis is based on the following findings:

* Abnormal self-reproach or inappropriate guilt for at least 2 weeks (still present)
* Abnormal poor concentration or indecisiveness for at least 2 weeks (still present)
* Abnormal depressed or irritable mood for at least 2 weeks (no longer present)
* Abnormal loss of all interest and pleasure for at least 2 weeks (no longer present)
* Abnormal fatigue or loss of energy for at least 2 weeks (no longer present)
* Abnormal morbid thoughts of death or suicide (no longer present)
* Not psychotic (when not depressed)
* Depression was not due to alcohol use
* Depression was not due to medication or street drugs
* Depression was not due to physical illness
* Depression was not due to normal bereavement
* There has never been a Manic Episode, a Mixed Episode, or a Hypomanic Episode

Avoidant Personality Disorder

In the past month, this disorder had:

* No occupational impairment
* Moderate social impairment

This diagnosis is based on the following findings:

* Avoided occupational activities that involved significant interpersonal contact (still present)
* Showed restraint within intimate relationships because of fear of being shamed (still present)
* Preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations (still present)
* Inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy (still present)
* Viewed self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others (still present)
* Unusually reluctant to take personal risks because of fear of embarrassment (still present)
* This pattern of behavior was inflexible and pervasive
* This pattern of behavior caused significant distress or disability
* This pattern of behavior was stable and started before age 30
* This pattern of behavior was not due to another mental disorder
* This pattern of behavior was not due to a physical or medical disorder


UNCERTAIN DISORDERS:
* Generalized Anxiety Disorder
* Paranoid Personality Disorder
* Schizoid Personality Disorder
* Borderline Personality Disorder
* Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder
* Dysthymic Disorder
* Panic Disorder
* Agoraphobia
* Social Phobia
* Schizotypal Personality Disorder
* Histrionic Personality Disorder
------------
I'm just a perfect picture of mental health, ne? ^^;;;

current mood: amused

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2:41 pm - Yelling at the Tupperware...
I'm sick in my mind, I'm sick at heart, I'm sick physically...and all they want is the dishes done and the room clean. My earlier comment about people being easy to fool just demostrated itself. I was doing the dishes when my mum walked it. The dialouge is as follows:

Mum: **coming in to get a glass of tea** "I feel sunburned already..." ((refering to having been outside all morning))

Me: "......" "I'm sorry." **continues doing dishes**

M: **frowning slightly** "What's wrong with you today? Smile!"

".....I don't want to."

"Well why not?" **trying to be cheerful, failing**

"...." **shrugs** "I don't know."

"Are you feeling okay? You've been...down...lately."

"...I'm just tired." **not making eye contact, focusing on getting the washer started**

**shrugs, takes a drink from glass** "Alright." **walks out**

current mood: thirsty

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12:29 pm
I havea glass of juicestuffs. It is blue and cold. It's kind of see-through too. It smells good....like the day I was at the beach with my family and my aunt's family and my uncle and aunt sat on the beach with me and helped me make sand-shapes since I didn't want to go in the water because I didn't like the idea of other living things floating around me when I couldn't see them. It's a bit tangy-sour though. But it tastes nice. It's cold and refreshing and is more pleasant than a soda. I think that'll be my next thing to work on in my eating schedule. Dropping the caffeine. I'm actually eating breakfast, now. Usually a glass of water and this nummy granola-bar stuffs, or some yogurt. Or a banana. Lunch is still as screwy as normal. I should pack my own instead of attmepting to correctly guess what they're trying to sell me at school. Dinner is a matter left for later. I have to talk to my mum about that. I talked with Tokio about being sore. She said it's a good kind of sore, because I've been stretch-exercising and stuffs in the morning and/or before I go to bed. Yay for me. My glass of juicestuffs is almost gone. It's cold in here. I think it's because of the ice in my glass. Bad ice. It's too hot outside though. I'm too hard to please as far as weather goes. I was thinking about what I want to be when I grow up. Friends I've talk to seem to have already picked out professions- artist, lawyer, or psychologist. I'd like to try all of them, sure. But I don't know if I'd want to be one for the rest of my life. I want to be a muse. Somebody's muse. Yes, yes. Sounds like an insane, disillusional fantasy, I know. But I am insane and disillusional fantasy. An image. I can be anyone and everyone. Picking up bits and pieces of the people I walk past, taking them and adding them onto myself. They don't seem to realize that a bit of themselves just disappeared into the dim and overcast cloudy mist that surrounds them, chilling and numbing, hovering long enough to be noticed but fleeing before it can be touched, before it can be warmed or captured. I should go read the new Snow Fields chapters. Hai, that will clear my head and help me to relax. That and another glass of my blue juicestuffs.

current mood: contemplative

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11:18 am - I'm gonna complain. So there.
I feel sick. I'm sore all over- my legs, my sides, my shoulders... and those pesky stomach pains are back. Thank gods for asprin pills. I should go take some. A conveinient little catalyst in a bottle, leading me back into my state of ignorance of all things wrong with me. I can't open my birthday present from Dosage. It's a floppy disk with music on it. Hai, he's um...a few months behind, but I think he just wanted me to hear his music. But my comp's decided to annoy me again, and the A: drive isn't working. How pleasant. We have a second, newer computer right behind me on the opposite side of the room, but I don't know if it has sound. Feh. Tomorrow is Andrew's party and I still don't have a present for him. I need to get off my lazy arse and go shopping. But I have no clue what to buy him. Ah well.

I'm good at unnerving people, at making them worry. As far as liking it...I don't really know. There are lots of things I don't know anything about. Like the truth. Like why I talk about suicide when I know I could never bring myself to go through with it. Like why it's so easy to fool people. I think it's easy because since people are so ready to believe what they want to, all you have to tell them is what they want/need to hear. It doesn't matter if it's true or not. As long as it make them happy/worry-free/etc., then it's all you have to say. They will do the rest, working your words into their concept of everything being wonderful and nice. It's all very conveinient. Find the right thing to say, the key to simplicity of mind. But you have to wonder....what makes people so eager to believe the good-sounding lies I can tell them?

current mood: sore

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Friday, April 27th, 2001
5:12 pm
Warrior Chylde

"Humor is my shield;
Wit of tongue and mind is my sword.
Words are my armour
and my best defense.
Despair is my stallion;
Fate is my coat of arms.
Peculiarity is my trademark;
Destruction, my reputation.
'Maintain the mask!' is my battle-cry,
echoing over the vast war plains of my mind.
To rescue the world from
ignorance and humanity;
To protect them from myself,
and myself from them is my quest."
There is no repose for this warrior,
the battle rages on inside her head.
Dragging onward with
weary-lidded, ever-searching eyes
and a tired, aching body.
She looks down at her sword,
pulling if from the plane of the verbal
into the realm of physical.
The blade glitters in rose-dusk light.
Running a finger across the smooth steel,
she ponders...
What it would be like to end the wandering.
To cease the constant drifting,
finding a peace unknown before.
But her other hand reaches into her suit of armour,
and produce a small pouch on a leather cord.
She tips the contents of the bag into her palm.
Three little gems spilled out,
winking and reflecting soft light
from the setting sun.
She stared down at the jewels,
thinking as she rolled them across her hand.
They were peculiarites, alright.
Representing life and warmth
and hope and companionship and
a soft, hidden love.
Full of wonder and amusement,
but they were not hers.
No, these precious curiousities
didn't belong to the warrior.
They were owned by a trio of
others much more worthy.
And her journey could not end
till these prized stones had been
returned to their rightful possesors.
Then the story would come to an end;
the candle snuffed out,
leaving only smoky memories behind.
With a soft sigh, she returns the gems
to their protective hiding place.
Wistfully, she holds the sword for a long moment
before reluctantly resheathing it.
Now is not the time to end her quest;
for she is honor-bound by her personal code.
Tugging gently on the reins to Despair,
she guides him back on the trail.
With a deftly spoken word, the two are off again.
This time, there's no stopping for sparring.
No chance for being wounded
before the final battle, before
her duty is carried out.
The warrior rides on silently,
sword waiting patiently at her side.

current mood: [vacant]

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4:18 pm
The walls are going back up.
The thorns are growing back.
Don't touch.
Don't stand so near.
Don't look at me like that,
as though you know it all.
The masks are much more real.
The smiles are forced again.
Don't touch.
Don't be so open.
Don't always try to help,
when you know I won't agree.
I don't want to know myself.
I would be dead
if it weren't for my own weakness
and fear of pain.

current mood: numb

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7:37 am - I have a secret....
...a wonderfully delicious warm secret. Among all the broken pieces and the emptiness and patches of murky black, I have this little bit of firey warmth. It's not mine, it doesn't involve me per se. But I sit and tend the flame, getting to stretch in its warmth in return. The sad thing is, to my knowledge, this secret is still being kept as such by the person who told me. And that is rather sad, for it is being hidden from the one person who deserves to know. I want to see this secret's glow spread. I want to be able to watch the people involved and be happy for them. I want everyone around me to be content and loved. Because maybe that way, I can live from their happiness; can use it to fill in the empty spaces. Use it to replace what I lack. At the very least, it's something to marvel and puzzle over, to admire from a distance.

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Wednesday, April 25th, 2001
7:51 pm
Best Actress

The best actress in the world
will never win an award
for her talents, though
great they are.
She's never known the gasp
of captivated spectators
at an unexpected twist in plot, or
the thunderous applause at the end
of the performance.
Because for her,
the performance
never
ends.
She has her mask in hand,
her costume is immaculate to the
last stitch.
Behind the false pretense of her facade
she acts out her greatest scenes.
From the eyeholes she watches
her unknowing and oblivious fellow entertainers.
To her, life is one endless play
in which she is always present.
The best actress in the world
is frozen in time as she
re-enacts every thought-woven step,
says every memorized line until
it becomes a habit and not by choice.
For any question thrown her way,
there are automatic responses written up for her
by her own mind.
Put into mental print and commited to
memory she can recite everything
without saying anything.
The lights don't dim on this performance;
rather, the spotlights track and expose
her every move, her every breath.
Instead of intermission, she acts on;
afraid to disappoint her audience or
reveal the backstage truths.
Oh, how this thespian longs
to return to reality, hang her
played-out mask on the dressing room wall
and discard the scripts for good.
But the critics and avid watchers demand more.
I wish I could refund the crowd's tickets,
usher them out into the night air,
and close the theater doors and
watch the curtains close forever.
But I'll sing a silent ending theme and
leave a bouquet of yellow roses and dasies
on stage and whisper my hushed plea,
begging the play to finally end and give
needed and earned freedom and repose
to the best actress in the world.

current mood: hopeful

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Tuesday, April 24th, 2001
8:37 pm - Another Nonsensical Rambling(TM)!
I.

I don't like you
I look at your face
and I want to hit it.
but the mirror can't speak
and my reflection
can't defend itself.

II.

they say it hurts
but they come back for more.
it makes me wonder
if they like the abuse
or if they just have
nowhere better to go.

III.

my lips are mint flavored
and my status is away
though I am really here.
the music is short and soothing,
it slides around and through me
like a warm liquid wind.

IV.

Fate ran off with Pain
and together they had Despair;
raised with Instability and disillusioned
with promises of Contentment and Hope,
Despair grew into the twisted being
that stands before you today.

V.

the deeds have been done,
but not by you.
court is now in session,
so how do you plead- guilty;
or maybe criminally insane.
the innocent are charged with the crime.

VI.

playing with the fire isn't safe
and yet we do it anyway
just for the thrill of the danger.
I think some play with other's minds
for the thrill of watching them shatter
and then cut themselves on the shards.

current mood: numb

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Sunday, April 22nd, 2001
12:33 pm
For about a year and a half now, I've had the idea in my poisoned little mind to run away. And I contemplate it more often now than ever. I figured I might as well put my plan into words once and for all. I'm not a totally anger driven teen- I'm not about to stalk off in the middle of the night with only the change in my pocket and no idea where to go. No, I actually posses some common sense. I just choose not to flaunt it. ^^;

1.) Choose a destination. At this point in time, I'd like to visit one of the members of the Ecchi Family. That way I can meet all of you, one at a time. ^^;;

2.) IM afforementioned person, explain situation; get phone number or address of said person, at least the town they're living in.

3.) Empty school backpack, pack up several days' worth of clothing, personal care items, etc.

4.) Get bank book from mum's desk drawer. Put it along with wallet in backpack.

5.) Walk to First Bank of Bartlett, make withdrawl of all money in my bank account- about $250+.

6.) Head to Greyhound Bus Depot., or other similar bus station.

7.) Find and buy roundtrip ticket on bus to whichever town the person I'm going to see lives in. If a ticket direct to that city is not available, then find/buy needed ticket(s) to get there.

8.) After having arrived at chosen city, call Person. Inform him/her of arrival. Let things go from there.

9.) Make sure to find a reasonably priced hotel or the like to stay in.

Does that make any sense, or do any of you older peoples see some blaringly obvious faults? Please, do tell. I want this to be successful-in-theory, at least.

current mood: productive

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10:56 am
I had to go to church this morning. And I'm due back there for another three hours of mild agony and humiliation at 4:00. If you haven't guees, I have really strong, really negative feelings toward being at church. And being around the people that are in the church. I think it's a deep-rooted kind of thing. I've been brought up in Christianity since I was born. I was told to accept it without question. That's the first thing that bothers me- I don't like not knowing everything about something. I s'pose it's the perpetual student in me. Second, a lot of things just don't make sense to me. Like why any being would create a subspecies lower than themselves and give them life, only to put them through a mortal torture of knowing they cannot become as 'pure' as that which spawned them. I also am not too happy with being told that I am too impure and sinful and awful to be worthy of the presence of one person. And I don't think we should be given a perfect example and be expected to live up to it. Barbie Complex* anyone? And why should I have to deal with people I don't know telling me that? And if we're never going to become like that 'great being', because he/she has decreed it so, then why should we spend our entire lives trying? Here's something I find almost amusing. I am supposed to worship a god that will condemn you to eternity in suffering if you do not automatically accept that he/she is right and that he/she is the only thing you should believe in and that you should follow him/her because they are perfect and we are not. Sometimes I think man created the idea of a god because he felt there was nothing good enough on earth to believe in. They became so vulnerable and desperate that they began to worship a random idea manifested from their Neanderthal minds. If I managed to find a group of people desperate enough, and I told them I was their savior, and they believed me, would that actually make the their savior? Would that elevate me beyond mortal boundaries? Or would I simply realize how pathetic the human species can really be, if they are so down and out that they'll put someone as twisted and warped as myself on such a high and idolized pedestal? Maybe my mind is too far gone to understand the concepts which the people around me try to make me believe. Maybe I am not meant for religion. If one has a good set of morals and ethics, then the rest of the world need not interfere. I believe in myself. That should be good enough. And for me, it is.

current mood: discontent

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Saturday, April 21st, 2001
3:17 pm
...hn. I'm sleepy. The rest of my family's still out doing gods-know-what. I have laundry to do and I would like to take a nap or something or at least be productive. My throat is still sore, the medicine isn't really helping. I'm waiting for someone on MSN so I canna leave my compy for good. Which I dun really mind. Napster's being a bitch again, keeps saying 'No matching files found!' even when I type in the names of songs I already have. Pssh. I want to draw something nice and morbid. I had an idea I got from watching this movie about the Vietnam War a few nights ago...maybe I will go start the washing machine now.

current mood: indifferent

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12:00 pm
Circus Freak


Faded posters taped on poles,
The circus is back in town...

Oh, I'm the circus freak, yeeaaah
It's all smoke and mirrors...(or is it?)
Oh, I'm your circus freak, yeeaaah
Make me do anything you want to.

I'm on display from eight 'til five
Gotta keep the show a-live.
Performing for the ones who stare
They're watchin' me but no one's there...

The costumes, make-up...all pretend
Until I go out on parade again.
Under hot lights I exploit myself
Then tossed back onto the shelf.

Oh, I'm the circus freak, yeeaaah
It's all just smoke and mirrors...
Oh, I'm your circus freak, yeeaaah
Make me do everything I ought to.

You robbed me of my innocence
And destroyed my self-defense.
So now I'm just your marrionette
With no role to play and energy spent.

And I'm all you, and I'm your love
Obsessive, depressive, yes I'm all of the above.
Am I warped enough for your taste?
Or was your cruelty put to waste?

Oh, I'm the circus freak, yeeaaah
It's not only smoke and mirrors...
Oh, I'm your circus freak, yeeaaah
Made to be everything you want to

Over-expose and manipulated
Am I really the one that you hated?
Or is it the one behind the disguise-
Under the mask and beyond the lies?

The painted doll in lying waits
So turn around and face the Fates.
What you've created you shall become
and to my prison-world you shall succumb.

Oh, I'm the circus freak, yeeaaah...
It's all done by smoke and mirrors
Oh, I'm your circus freak, yeeaaah...
Made to bring you dowwnnnn.

current mood: refreshed

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11:33 am
Handle With Care


Keep me in a glass cage
Put on display for their amusement
Come on by and gawk at me
Forever the oddity.
Go ahead, throw a stone
see how easily I'll break.
Shattered fragments of my mind
litter the floor, glinting in bright warning.
Empty eyes reveal an empty heart.
Fingers pressed against the transparent
walls of my prison.
Why can't I push hard enough to free myself?
It should be so easy; so very, very easy.
You see diamonds and I see glass.
Conflicting points of view
Maybe if I were a little taller
We would see eye to eye.
I make you ache and now you know
what it's like
to be made so fragile.
Follow me and I will lead
but I don't know where I'm going.
Somewhere that's not here,
I've paid for my ticket out-
but I'm hesitant to go.

Throw the stone-
I feel like I want to be broken.


--------------------------------
edit: changed the title. Circus Freak is going to be a song, I have an idea.

current mood: drained

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10:50 am
Mmm....my parents and sister went out for a few hours. I've got the house to myself again. Same routine every weekend. And that's the way I like it. I was looking for something to eat for breakfast after they left. I found a bagel, a can of coke I opened last night and forgot about, and this container of frosting which is empty. Crying is the best way to begin the day. Had a most exhausting but neccessary conversation last night. I feel strangely relieved but confused and scared and apprehensive at the same time. I can feel another song-y poem-y thing coming on, but it's not forming right in my mind. So I get to carry it around all day until it either makes sense or drives me insane. Whichever comes first. This Personality quiz thing I took says I have a Borderline and Avoidant Personality. I dowloaded a zip file that will hopefully give me some insight as to what this is. Ah...here we go. Take a look.

Borderline Personality Disorder:

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by at least five of the following:

(1) Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. [Do not include suicidal or self-multilating behavior covered in criterion 5].

(2) A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.*

(3) Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.*

(4) Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (eg. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) NOTE: DO NOT INCLUDE SUICIDAL OR SELF-MULTILATING BEHAVIOR COVERED IN CRITERION 5.

(5) Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

(6) Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (eg. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).*

(7) Chronic feelings of emptiness.*

(8) Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (eg. frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

(9) Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.*


Avoidant Personality Disorder:

A pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by at least four of the following:

(1) Avoids occupational activities that invole significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.*

(2) Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked.

(3) Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed.*

(4) Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations.*

(5) Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequancy.*

(6) Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferiour to others.*

(7) Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing.*

-----------

*- this condition applies to yours truly, as far as I can tell.

How interesting....I now have a list that includes both the things that are wrong with me, and other symptoms I may develop later....pleasant.

current mood: lonely

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Friday, April 20th, 2001
5:57 pm
Severed Communications

-- a poem-y song for Duramu, Megumi, and Veronica

Telephone wires are down.
Static rules my mind.
Transmission has been lost
into the void of eerie silence.

The echoes of white noise
Ringing in my ears.
My conversation's been disconnected
so the gap between us grows.

My words are small and
insignificant when stacked
up against yours;
the blow reckless in the wind.

My voice is vulgar and harsh,
but yours is creamy and warm.
Pleading syllables haunt me,
pouring from your lips.

So desperate for that elusive release,
I seek the words to tell you
All the things I want you to know,
But the words are chipped and lacking.

Mumbled utterances from a thick and heavy tongue,
Formed by a disinterested mouth.
I can't make the words dance for me-
they trudge listlessly on with dragging feet.

I laugh at my failed attempts
to explain why but it is merely
a front to protect the fragile
tears that would dissolve and disintegrate me.

My throat is raw from screaming
Words that won't come out and
Words that can't be heard.
Teach me how to sing again.

Messages are interupted en route,
Frantic drumming sounds like rain on tin.
I'm trying to re-enable severed communications
But I need fifty cents worth more of your time.

current mood: amused

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